What do I Have Left?
by XxxEarlCielPhantomhivexxX
Summary: I didn't care when I left the mansion. I didn't care when I left all my riches behind me. I have my pride. I have my revenge. Most of all I have Sebastian. one sided Ciel/Sebastian


**Disclaimer:** I DON'T OWN ANYTHING

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I didn't care when I left the mansion.

I didn't care when I left all my riches behind me.

I have my pride.

I have my revenge.

Most of all I have Sebastian.

He would never lie to me.

But I can't forget how he looked at me that day.

"I feel good… like I've been released from a spell I was under for a long time…" I thought out loud into the empty field of roses.

"Yes. In return…I was put under an eternal spell…" Sebastian said monotonously.

I looked at him in the eye, "You're my butler."

"I'm your butler…forever."

I tightened my grip on his shoulder, afraid that he might disappear and leave me.

When I thought that I was going to die when I was human, I wanted to give Sebastian the best that I could, give him what he craved for, and give him the soul that he waited for.

But I couldn't.

I was afraid.

I was afraid that if I told him that I loved him, he would leave.

Like he did when my resolve wavered.

If he was willing to leave over that small dissatisfaction, what would he do when he found out my feelings?

Claude didn't hesitate to kill Alois just to get a better tasting soul.

Now I'm a demon with a contract to protect me, so why am I still afraid?

"Morning bocchan." Sebastian drew the curtains to let in the sunlight in the dark room.

I was the routine we went through every day when I was a human but it's different now, his face was set in stone, frozen in the dull expression since my coming of demon hood.

He avoided eye contact and barely touched me while I was being dressed. The mischievous grin he always had was gone and he was slipping from my grip.

I lost him.

"Bocchan, pay attention!" he shouted as he tried to teach me Spanish words.

Anger.

Anger was all I could get from him now, a scowl of disapproval was all he showed me next to the stone hard face.

Soon some expression was better than nothing and I began to harm myself.

Jumping off the roof of the mansion

Cutting my body until I couldn't find a place to sink in the blade again

Drowning in the lake nearby

A demon was fatal to only a few things but it didn't stop me from trying. After the black butler rescued me he would tend to my wounds, with the same uncaring face but I was okay. It showed that he cared when I got hurt. It showed that he wasn't willing to see me die.

Even if those feelings were fake

Made up by the cursed contract

Even if he really wanted me to die in order to regain his freedom

I wanted him to act like he cared.

"AHHHHHHH!" I screamed as I woke from the nightmare, flames still visible in my eyes. When I was a human, Sebastian would come right away but now I had to call for him.

Like a scared baby.

"Sebastian." I said softly, the demon's sensitive ears were able to pick up the faint sound and walked into my room shortly afterwards.

"Yes my lord?" he asked even though he knew the answer.

"Stand over there until I fall asleep."

"Yes, my lord." He repeated.

Him standing there never made anything better. I felt more alone than ever with his eyes boring holes in my back like none of this mattered to him. Why would he? He got cheated out of my soul.

Why did I have to become a demon!? Why!? I wanted to die! I wanted to give Sebastian the one thing I could give him, but I was denied that as well!

Silent tears wrecked my body and I managed to keep them quiet but I couldn't stop my shoulders shaking from the force.

"Bocchan?" Sebastian questioned.

A new wave of tears came as I realized that was the first time he said anything that didn't sound mad. Strong arms circled me and I fell asleep in them, hoping that something had changed inside the older demon.

I woke with the sun shining in my eyes and Sebastian with the morning tea. He said nothing as he poured the drink and I realized that last night held no meaning for him.

But it didn't stop the small piece of hope in my heart.

"As for last night, I only acted out of what I thought the young master wanted from me and I apologize if it made you uncomfortable." Sebastian said looking at me in the eye this time and they held no emotion.

I froze with the cup on my lips.

"Leave." I commanded.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as Sebastian left without a backward glance.

I kept a straight face: I am Ciel Phantomhive.


End file.
